A true friend

Since I don't really have any family besides my nephew and niece. I always look for those family, caring qualities in friends. Now, throughout my life I've had some great friends and also some tragic ones. I guess the tragic ones were there to show me what to avoid and also to appreciate what the good ones were like.

I would imagine there is no real definition of a true friend. Each of us are so different that we'd all be looking for something different in a friend. A quality I might dislike will be a perfect fit for you.

So, what constitutes a great friend?

For me, it would have to be all the cliché things like, being a top bloke and being able to talk about anything. But there are some qualities I like in my friends, which not all of them have, but combined together, I can enjoy each of their individualisms.

One friend might enjoy my company, can have a laugh and the piss taken out of him (poked fun at). While another mate might take some criticism to heart and be truly scarred by what I may say despite the fact we're all having some fun putting shit on each other.

Some mates, it would seem are just there for you to help them. And that's fine too though you have to wonder how many times you need to tell them something before they get it.

Some friends worry about things too much, so much so that they go blind, get tunnel vision and can't see the bigger picture.

One such friend I have is like that. I may have spoken about him before. He called me today to ask when I can play bass for him next. I told him it's not up to me, but the drummer. It's because of his busy schedule we haven't played in three months. Last week at an open mic night I told my friend to just recruit the guys and girls he just played with as the new band and ditch our mate, the drummer. No offence but we want to play, regularly.

Anyway, he hasn't got the balls to say something and the band is forever in hiatus. So I told him today, something I was hoping he'd have figured out by now, "Why don't we just play with the other band as a different band, and if Alex comes around, we'll also play with him, separately"

He was dumbfounded. The idea was so simple, he couldn't believe he didn't think of it. Though when he told me he's been thinking all week about how to break the news to Alex, he said it was too much to think about. I told him there was nothing to think about. You want to play, lack of attendance from our drummer is stopping that.

Solution: Find someone who plays drums (done!) and see if they want to play (also done!). So, you have a replacement drummer but you don't have the guts to sack your original drummer because he's also your mate.

I told him again "Bands suck". But it's gotta be done.

So my solution with just starting a different band on the side with these new people won't affect your relationship with Alex. Not that it would anyway, I mean Alex seems to have too much on his plate anyway. Otherwise he'd have the time to jam with us.

With my mate who can't seem to man up, my way of helping has been for him to help himself. I just push him along, suggest something, and tell him how easy it is to do.

Normally I'd just go and do it myself. But then I think, is that really helping? I'm just doing his dirty work. It's much like allowing a kid to make a cake, then doing everything for them because you're concerned they'll end up ruining it and making a mess at the same time.

The reality is, so what if they do? And I've take that same mentality towards this friend so he'll learn how bands work. One day he'll look back and say "Steve, bands suck".

Then there's the example of my other mate, who makes the wrong choices all the time. I saw him last night. The good news was he has a buyer for his place and the "partner" he did the deal with is happy with the selling price.

All was good, right up until 5 minutes before I was about to leave. When he said "Met this girl, I think we'll buy a place together and move in"

I just looked at him and went from my usual, reserved, relaxed quiet self into a harsh realistic person and said "Are you fucking crazy? Didn't you learn anything from this experience? Go find a place to live that you can afford, on your own. What happens if you're relationship doesn't work out then? You're back where you started. Not getting along with your house mate, broke, arguments over bills and how to split them, she leaves, you can't afford to stay there, and where to now? Find a place you can pay the rent for. Don't rely on someone else, otherwise you're back here. Where you started. Learnt nothing. If you do that, I will punch you in the face."

I got in my car and drove off. When I got home, I thought about what I said and how I said it. All these years of talking to him and listening, it got nowhere. So I took my own advice and changed my tact.

Okay, so what does this have to do with friends? Well, despite the fact that they're all special in their own little ways, and stupid in others. They're great people, with their quirks and all. I couldn't ask for better friends, even if some of them are hard work. I know that the work I put in to them is eventually returned by them helping me with mowing my lawns, and providing me with help when I need it, never having asked for it.

It's a different story to when I was younger and my so called mates would sponge off me and never offer a return favour, even when I was desperate enough to ask for it.

My definition of a true friend is someone who doesn't count how many favours you've done for them or they've done for you. We're just mate's and help each other out when it's needed. All other times are there to bag the crap out of each other over a beer and a camp fire.